It’s currently 12:30 A.M  I can’t sleep

I want to scream

I want to cry

I want to hold my breathe

I want to destroy everything in sight

I want to give up

BUT

I know no matter what I will still wake up tomorrow and my son will still have AS (Asperger's Syndrome)

I never dreamt I would grow up to be the sort of woman who cries at the drop of a hat. I always despised women who ride a huge rambling rollercoaster of emotion. Keep it to yourself - exercise a little self-control for God’s sake. Now I have joined this emotional little club. NO I’M A STRAIGHT MESS!!!!

How would I describe my son? He is eccentric, unique, pure, complicated and has Asperger’s Syndrome. He is emotionally challenging, heartwarming, and eminently loveable. My prayers are that he is happy and content in his life. I dream he will marry, have kids, follow his dreams, and fulfill his potential. He is a handsome little boy, but volcanic by nature but only those who witness him in full meltdown see those masked eruptive depths. Generally, people use the despised phrase: “He doesn’t look autistic, does he?” How, exactly, are they meant to look?

I’m so tired of people telling me everything will be okay… he will grow out of this….. you’re not disciplining him.

All I think in my head when I am getting these comments thrown my way is this;

PLEASE take him home for 24 hours and try to help him function through a day.

It’s all about daily routines and schedules….

You can’t rush him you can’t tell him something that he already has his mind set on doing in the first place.

For a parent, those four words: “Your child has autism” is paramount to someone telling you: “Sorry, you have a terminal disease.” The phrase has a terrifying fatal ring that you did not see coming. BAM, take that. It is ironic that Time magazine nominates autism as the only condition equivalent to cancer in its genetic complexity. Initial reaction: it is a joke, right? Not your child, he talks and is loving! Don’t autistic kids sit in a corner barely emoting let alone being verbal? Must be a mistake, they have to be wrong!

What can I say to people to let it out? They say how average, normal he seems but they don’t live it. The fights, struggles, mood swings – his and mine. And the questioning of how much damage I am doing to my son. How wrong am I getting it?

The doubts, anger and frustration of living day to day. The struggle to do normal things like taking a single parent to break.

 He told me today “I WANT TO KILL YOU” and he probably will, somehow, sometime; but not the way you may think but maybe along the lines of a heart attack or stroke from the stress, the gun when he is older and angrier…or the alcohol I use to feel better... or not to feel at all. So now I sit, unable to sleep; and type and cry because I know you will never understand how miserable I am when I am only trying to provide the best for this little boy all by myself.

This is not my reality all of the time….. Keegan is smart and he has the best sense of humor a 4 year old can have. He teaches me things everyday that I could not teach my own self. He has really stretched my patience which come on we could all use a little more of that right?

I still am constantly second guessing myself It is easy to feel that a decent mother would be able to fix things for him. No matter how many times I am told otherwise, I often wonder if I did something to cause this. Because anyone can blame their selves for this. It is so much harder because I swim against conventional thought. MY CHILD. Don’t they get it? MY CHILD. Nobody on this earth understands him the way I do and no one ever will. Not even his father who acts just like him and feel that they are twins half the time.  I am still probably the toughest with him. But think about this he still has to grow up in the real world and cope in the real world.

Some mothers think I am harsh. Some mothers think I am obsessive. Some just think I am delusional I think I’m honest why shelter him he is anything but stupid.

Maybe one day someone will understand how hard this is to deal with… Half the time I feel bi polar half the time I don’t who knows really…

All I know is I’m a single mother raising a son with a disorder that isn’t curable I’m doing the best I can do and I’m allowed to have meltdowns too.